freewrite 1

well this is how i always start out my entries i think of something and then i write it. hopefully this exercise will loosen me up loosen my mind up to thoughts which must be placed down upon the virtual paper that is the html code of this page on the internet which you are reading because apparently you have sufficient time to be exercising your reading skills that you learned back in grade school becase your country had enough public money to do this where you can study if you want in school whereas in some other countries that option is not even available to you and you are quite free and footloose as my professor said today as a member of the creative class to be able to move around and not work in such menial jobs that immigrants here in the service markets hold and you get to live in relatively comfortable conditions, not judging your health or mental state, but relatively comfortable conditions which allow for the free flow of your thoughts onto paper. I think that you should keep reading because this will allow for more words to flow and more productivity in the future or even more or this can prove to be detrimental and you can never control your thoughts and now they control you and you have to keep writing or else you will explode into many many millions of tiny pieces and never be able to be put together again so go hang out with fucking pinocchio or something you loser fatty man loser faggot i don't even know why i used that word i know these words are not pc at all but whatever that is what entered my mind and is it wrongt o have to censor myself no! i think that it expresses what is in my head which is traces of inner homophobia or just traces of my surrounding where i can use that word all the time and i actually haven't heard that word used here much at all except the first week i was here and my roommate used it in a situation where we were all sitting in our room and then he said it and it was quite awkward because you see I myself am a homosexual and he is a heterosexual and for him to use that word was what that author i read about in freakin what's that class transgender performance and politics and that is what he talked about is that "hey you!" sort of feeling that you get from when somebody says faggot or whatever. I feeel like i think a lot of things and ih ave a lot to say but does any of this mean anything in the end? will anything i write here even maatter? i don't think so but i am doing this to move along myself into the future if i do not finish this paper i will die i will die i will die and i do not want to die because i want to live and feel good again i just feel so weighed down it is not even funny any more i want to die if i do not finish this paper but OH! i feel it! i feel like i am able to do it! if eel positive i feel like i can do this i can do this! i can do this! i cna write this paper and finally put it aside!!! i can read it and then just put it aside for it to be printed and then i can give up and life is great because i already presented for a class! oh i love this! i can't wait to finish this i'm going to finish this paper1!! i am so happy right noWw! but i have no reason to be but I must continue the positivity because that has been so lacking for a owhile! i miss it so much. i need positivity back or else everything is so bleak that it is not fun anymore!!

I am feeling very sad right now. I do not know why I feel sad, but I need to publish my feelings somewhere. Hopefully someone will read this. I don't know why I'm placing control of my emotions in others but that is what I am doing. work seems so monotonous that I need a break from it all. it is very sad very sad very sad I am so sad. I need a friend or someone to hug me. right now :(